I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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