you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
