You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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