i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I will be naked everywhere
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
