You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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