I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
