i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
