After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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