Me. At least after what I've been through.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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