I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
