I'm eating all of the evidence.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize