The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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