I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
