i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
