i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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