Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
