Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
