If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
