Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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