i was born a porn star she said
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
