he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
