lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
