I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
