summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
