Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
