I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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