Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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