We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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