Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
