the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
