Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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