Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
