Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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