Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
