Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I love having hate sex.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
