I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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