dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
