Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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