explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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