The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
