You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
