I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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