Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
