Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
