It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
