I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize