So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
