I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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