Apparently you make a good broom.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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