Swine flu. Run for my life!
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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