A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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