maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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