I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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