You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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