he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
