sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
